I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
