I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Randomize
