eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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