So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
