I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
