If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
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