I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
