she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
