So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
