so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
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