half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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