Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
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