God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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