I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
