bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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