Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I looked at my own cervix.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
