i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
