so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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