I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
