this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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