look no pants
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
