I'm going to jail i love you
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
