he wants to bone in the snuggie
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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