his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
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Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
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Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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