In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
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