So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
