those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
