i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
