the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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