Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Who died my cat blue again?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
