I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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