I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
