U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
