Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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