I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
