so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?