You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.