I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
