I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
If that guy asks u bout me, I said my name is Jenelle, from CT, I'm a cat behiavor consultant and I'm 29. Back my story up
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
