my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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