I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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