my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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