We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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