Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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