I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
