Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
25 People Confess The Most Awkward Situation They’ve Ever Been In
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
These Are 21 Of The Most Delusional People Ever
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life