i will soon be in a relationship on fb
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.