Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
