did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
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Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
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Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed