Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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