I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
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