I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
