I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
