so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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