the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
