Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
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