i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
