o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
