Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
