I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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