i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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