So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
